The Curse of the Neckbeard - Recapping Week 5

Week 5 was not kind to me. It wasn't as bad for me as for, say, the Re Up Gang, who put up an alarming 44 (?!?!) points, but it was bad. And I know exactly who to blame.

Kyle F'ing Orton. See, week 5 was the first of the NFL's bye weeks. Resting were 6 teams, including my own Baltimore Ravens. Flacco and Ravens D? Not available. So I was sent to the secondary, horrible QB free agent market. Didn't I have a backup? Of course I did. The middling Colt McCoy. Also on a bye. Fricking smart. So I did the unthinkable. I was heading to Denver for the weekend so I added Kyle Orton and his neckbeard to BMore Careful. They were hosting the Chargers, a usually awful September/October team. Orton had something like 8 TDs in the first four games. Just throw me ten points, Kyle, and we're even in this terrible relationship.

Kyle Orton was not good for 10 points. Kyle Orton wasn't good for 0 points. This son of a bitch got me negative 1, was benched for Tim Tebow, and is now likely done in Denver. Effing neckbeard. I'm never growing mine out again.

Left with a Monday Night Football game featuring the Lions D needing 10.5 to get the W, I saw them put up 6 and my boys fall to 3-2. However I did see strong performances from Steve Smith, McGahee, and Hakeem Nicks to somewhat offset the ridiculousness that is the Cam Newton show (26 points), probably Lando's best draft steal.

Lando overcomes off weeks for Romo and the injured Andre Johnson to move to 5-0, the lone undefeated team left in the Haus League. Hell, even Shonn Greene showed up a little bit. BMore Careful drops to 3-2, still second in the Haus division, edging Skillshare for the spot by points.

The G Series is hurting and Cytherea's Ark didn't do anything to help it. Eddie's boys dominated. Former BMore Careful leaders Mike Vick and Jahvid Best went off. You know who didn't? Hint - Chris Johnson and LaGarrette Blount. (I'm not bitter at all.) With this matchup largely dependent on the Eagles-Bills and Lions-Bears games, both teams having players on each side, it came down to Stafford or Megatron/Best with Vick vs. Stevie also being a slight factor. Needless to say, we saw how that turned out, but I also thought this diagram may help.

Eddie's 166 points will win 99.8% of matchups this season. G Series just needed to set the table better by cracking 100 to get some tiebreak scenarios in his favor moving forward. But that likely won't matter. Dude's team is about to take a dive.

Bougie is swag surfing on us right now and Isenberg is in a tailspin, sans the fun theme song and talking bear. We actually got a reenactment of Bougie's celebration below. Check it out at 0:58.

Brady and Welker couldn't carry the day for CI this week with just 30.5 between them. Gore, Forte, and Santonio tried to help, ponying up a respectable 48 between the three of them. Not enough. Bougie left Big Ben on the bench (oops). She left DH-B there, too. She even got just 1.5 from Dexter McCluster. Didn't matter. A late Bengals D TD and strong performances team-wide started a little Bougie streak. Watch out Complex, she also gets Ray Rice (currently taking a Sheet on your computer screen) back next week.

Hawaii and Marcus finally got the 1 pick they asked for. AP. He put the team on his back, dropped 30, and continued LTD+'s recent streak of success. On the other side, Cats with Gats started two players I legitimately had to Google (Stevan Ridley and Preston Parker). Both sides unfortunately trotted out some Colts. Pierre > Dallas, CwG. And Austin Collie. And really all of the RBs and WRs you started (true story, 26.5 to 18). With a wasted huge day from Sebastian "He takes the ___" Janikowski, the Cats got knocked out.

LTD+ breaks .500 but will need more from Matty Ice in the coming weeks. Because after that Ravens - Jets game in Baltimore, I really can't see Hawaii ever starting Mark Sanchez again. I also can't see Hawaii making it to any of his 49ers' games. But that's because of this guy.

Mike K's a gracious winner. If I tripped up Foursquare by roughly a fantasy field goal, I'd let everyone know it. Main video on the Skillshare.com front page? Likely have a featured class video that teaches how to start players who aren't on their bye week (Foursquare started Rams kicker Josh Brown, enjoying his week off) and who aren't injured (Foursquare started Antonio Gates, he of zero points since week 1). But he didn't do that. He's a classy gentleman.

Instead he eked out a win. Would any non-Orton player combo at K and TE have gotten Naveen's team 4 points. I'd say so. We can't take all credit away, though. Skillshare bet heavy on dudes with hyphen names and won because of it. The law firm and MJD combined for 40.5 points, somehow shirking the (personal) theory (of mine) that dudes with hyphen names are inherently soft. Well done, sirs. Moving forward we'll call them dudes with double-barreled names. Much more apropos.

44 points gets no respect. Two players on byes led to Re Up Gang getting 6 points from a combined 6 roster spots. To win this week, Complex just had to not fuck it up. And this week, Schaub and the 49ers D beat the Re Up Gang by their lonesome. An ugly matchup, this one, that nobody enjoyed watching. Another week like this and the Re Up boys may not get any pub.

Updated standings following Week 5 -

Four teams in each division will scrap it out for the 3 playoff spots each has. We'll be back Friday to preview this weekend.

Finally, too many teams started players on byes, who were hurt, or who put up goose eggs to do the usual "Oh shit, I left him on my bench?!?" I don't have all night, gents.

Moving Day - The Week 5 Preview

In golf tournaments, Saturday is called Moving Day. If you want to have a shot to win on Sunday, you need to set the table on Saturday. In fantasy football, Moving Day takes on a different sort of importance. You can't take too many things off of the table. Because a fantasy team in a hole has a tendency to fall apart. Owners stop caring, stop updating, even start saying despicable things like "Oh man, I'm sorry, I was super busy this week. It doesn't matter, though, my team stinks. We probably would have lost anyway."

I have no idea what this white boy, Burch, is talkin bout with Moving Day, but last time I moved, there were lots of Chinamen carrying four loko from the LES to Stuytown. Ninjas, we here!

So as we review our Week 5 matchups, we'll offer the usual prognostications, and include one or two Moving Day implications per matchup.

Let's go.

I'd say, somewhat for selfish reasons, this is the matchup of the week. The lone undefeated team, Lando, facing BMore Careful, currently 3-1. ESPN has my boys favored by 7. Despite the fact that I am starting Kyle Orton with a straight face. For different reasons, we will both likely have a ton of Jack Daniels Saturday night. Cam Newton gets a start for Lando, hoping to help the team overcome starts for Isaac Redman and Antonio Brown. Lando's counting on a good Steelers performance more than Bougie and Big Ben.

Son, how is this the matchup of the week? Lando doesn't have 'Dre and Cool (Johnson/Marshall), the core of his squad. He just rollin' out Mr. 400 Cam Newton to see if he can beat you on his lonesome. Oh yea, he got The Race too... But, he's fucked cause any points he gets with Cam, you're probably getting with Steve Smith. It's like you don't like your neighbor so you fuck his girl. Little do you know she got the herp. So, every time you win, he does too. Yea, it's exactly like that. Yall all in the Jeter herpe tree with Cam Newton and Steve Smith. Bmore Wins.

With a win, Lando becomes the favorite. With a loss, he can blame bye weeks and/or what would assumedly be a week Pittsburgh team. A win for BMore Careful just makes me insufferable as I continue forward with the season, while a loss will be immediately and unequivocally blamed on Kyle Orton and the early Ravens bye.

Rational Prediction: Lando 119, BMore Careful 113

Personal Prediction: BMore Careful 149, Lando 37

Two strong teams face off in a matchup that seems to have little downside as it relates to the rest of the season. But one of these teams has a lot more to lose in this one, and that team is the G Series. A loss amplifies the Jamaal Charles season-long injury and the subsequent Mark Ingram starts. And, despite a 4-0 start for the Lions, we all remember that Matthew Stafford is made of flesh, bone, and papier-macher. Eddie, on the other hand, is looking solid (as long as Vick is healthy).

We have the same situation in this matchup. Cytherea is giving Stafford, Megatron, and Smith herpe flavored gatorade. Stafford/Megatron gonna cancel each other out this week. I'm kinda scared of Ahmad Bradshaw, but even with a lot of my guys on bye, we gonna handle this. Why? Because of a train named Beanie Wells aka The Underground Smell-road. Burch, what I tell you when you wanted a trade? You can have anyone but Megatron and Beanie Wells. Beanie Wells you said? Yes, you can't touch what you can't see and no one knows where the underground smell-road is. Plus, the Eagles D is gonna wake up this week and shut Stevie Johnson down. Nnandi is gonna dedicate this game to Darth Vader, RIP AL. I almost started Jason Campbell in remembrance, but then I realized Al probably likes Vick more.

I'm seeing a blowout and plenty of excuses from Mr. Smith's G Series, this week based on Ingram, Gronkowski, and the Saints sieve of a D against the Panthers. On Eddie's side, obvious big days from Vick and Megatron, and a pleasant surprise from Dwayne Bowe. A G Series L would be devastating. And another big injury to the G Series squad will have this jamming through the Gatorade offices.

Prediction: Cytherea's Ark 133, G Series 104

Fresh off his near scrap with Jack Harbaugh (making the face on the right), Hawaii and the LTD+ squad are walking with their chests out. For no real good reason. One win against the hapless Re Up Gang, the other with a point total in the 90s. It ends here.

Two things will happen here - The real A Rod lights up the Falcons in Atlanta (again), and LTD forgets to sub out Brandon Gibson, he currently on a bye and starting as of press time. The only potential pitfalls for CwG are Mike Thomas, Ced Benson, and LTD+'s Adrian Peterson going against the awful Cardinals D.

I was going to add more commentary, but then I realized I only care about myself. "Am I really just a narcissist/ because I wake up to a bowl of lobster bisque?" - BAWSE, I Love My Bitches

HUGH! You know the Megatron Don made this for my squad. Deceptecon shit, LEY GO!

With a win, the CwG will have to openly admit that their fortunes ride with Rodgers, win, lose, or draw. His performance is currently masking some weak points for the team. A loss for LTD+ puts them in the fake-mediocre clubs. Wins over awful teams, no shot against the real players. I see multiple weeks of bye-week players getting starts for LTD+ in the future.

Prediction: Cats with Gats 110, LTD+ 89

CI and the Isenbergs can't catch a break. He's put up huge numbers with the ridiculous Brady-Welker combo while facing the second toughest matchups thus far. He's averaging over 122 a game and is 1-3. I see that becoming 1-4 with an unexpected upset this week. Brady and Welker are facing a legitimate pass D in their divisional matchup with the Jets, who are unlikely to shit the bed three weeks in a row. Now we just need Bougie to pull currently-on-a-bye Ray Rice and put in... oh... wait. Who can she put in? I'm throwing it out there, it won't matter. Bougie with the upset this week as Isenberg gets low numbers from Forte and Starks.

If Bougie can pull off this upset, she will have a glimmer of hope with Ray Rice coming back next week. If she doesn't, I see the Bantons packing it in. We're talking misguided trades, lashing out message board posts, and more emo music. Isenberg is the wildcard here. As long as he has Brady / Welker, he can win any week. A loss, though, and he might just delete the bookmark for the league website.

Prediction: Bougie Banton 114, Isenberg 112

Foursquare needs a pick-me-up. Badly. First step - please sub out Antonio Gates. He's not playing this week. If that happens, I see Skillshare falling to Foursquare this week. I think Nnamdi and the Eagles are going to make Fitzpatrick look like he went to Lincoln Tech, and the Jets will bottle up BJGE. To win, though, Foursquare needs Fred Jackson to continue his improbable run and for Run DMC to stay on the field. Seems easy this year, but anyone who has followed him in the past is less than optimistic.

I only see a win benefiting Skillshare as Mike and Malcolm seem to be on top of their squad and are looking even better with both Colston and Miles Austin back in the fold. A loss for the Foursquare crew makes me worry that the league website may be the focus of their next hackathon.

Prediction: Foursquare 107, Skillshare 104

ESPN currently guesses both of these teams will score just over 80. Both rosters currently have players on byes in the lineup. Not going to dignify this one with any deep thought. Both teams should pack it in, petition for a keeper league, and work for next year.

This matchup makes me feel like doing this.

Prediction: Complex 76, Re Up Gang 76 (Nobody wins)

Have a good weekend all.

The Game the Same, Just Got More Fierce - Recapping Week 4

I jumped the gun calling out Yung Berg's Bougie Banton team in the week 4 preview. Basically, I thought she had thrown in the towel. Beanie Sigel's "Feel It In The Air" solidified that in my mind. Emo rapping over a beautiful beat? How does that get anyone pumped up? But I was living in a different era. I was ignoring my surroundings.

To sum it up perfectly, I forgot about "Marvin's Room."

Drake droning on like a simp about love lost, spending entirely too much time hating on other dudes (the bar is over 37 seconds of a man's life. He shattered it). Bomani Jones nailed it. Big Ghost nailed it. Fake vulnerability, empty emotion, general softness (pause).

And victory. Because Drake is really doing it right now. He's one of the few artists moving units. He's getting tour dough. And Yung Berg saw this. Saw this "emotion," and decided it was her only out. Puffing her chest out through Week 3 netted her zero love, zero wins. It really made me harken back to the below scene from The Wire, about 1:04 in...

The game is the same. It still comes down to the same things. But it did get more fierce with this emo bullshit. And we better react. I'm already working on my pregame music. Mac ft. Mystikal - "Murda Murda Kill Kill" out.

This week? No beef with Fabolous but my BMore Careful boys may have a concert in their living room this weekend -

Skillshare, favored by 10.5, took a hard L to Bougie. Her De boys woke up to combine for 28 points and Ray Rice was one of the only bright points of the Baltimore offense (or offense in general in the Ravens - Jets tilt). In the meantime, Skillshare got 12 points total from its WRs and was done by the end of Sunday Night Football. Yung Berg is off the schneid, even with Big Ben continuing to be on the straight and narrow.

Which left us with the other remaining defeated team: Re Up Gang. The Re Up team put up a respectable number this week. They would have beaten 6 of the teams in the Haus League with their 115 total. But they wouldn't beat Eddie and Cytherea's Ark. Not with Michael Vick finally doing the good type of Michael-Vick-type-things. Even in losing to the usually woeful 49ers, Vick was still Vick, racking up 33 points. Other positive surprises for Eddie's crew were Beanie Wells' 31. And Megatron is still Megatron. We found this picture of him after the game -

Would you want to tackle that? Didn't think so.

On Pusha T and Quizno's front, your humble league commissioner strongly recommends against starting players who were last good in 2009 or before. Yes, we're referencing Burleson, Boldin, and Tomlinson (3 carries for -3 yards for the fake LT). The good news? Week 5 has Complex as your opponent and Phil Rivers gets to handle the Denver Broncos. Again.

I'll admit I was a little off with my prediction of BMore Careful winning 173 to 90. But shockingly, not too far off as my boys overcame a horrendous game by Joe Flacco to scratch out a win against Team Brady and Welker. It wasn't the 73 points they gave to Isenberg last week, but a pedestrian (for them) 46.5. Instead, Isenberg got a little help from the rest of his team for a change. 50 total from Forte and Gore? Not enough as Hakeem Nicks, Steve Smith, and the Ravens D led the way. 32 points for Ravens D this week was ridiculous, and even crazier in person. Word to Jack Harbaugh, who nearly threw down with our very own Hawaii Mike.

It was all good just a week ago for the G Series. Then 7 of his 9 players scored 10 points or less in a tough faceoff with the shockingly high-scoring Cats with Gats. The line of G Series -60 actually ended up being closer to Aaron Rodgers' total for the day (53). Yeah, that happened. A combined 6 TDs bailed the Cats out of mediocre performances by Reggie Bush and Peyton Hillis. The G Series' loss of Jamaal Charles is really starting to hurt now as we see Mark Ingram at 6 points just isn't going to do it.

One team remains undefeated: Lando. He's been flying high since Comeback Season dropped. He noted the power of going Charmin-soft like Drake early. Can't even be mad. Lando's box score was the only place Tony Romo was successful this weekend (25 pts), and his Arian Foster ("The Nation" if you ask Eddie) pick finally bore fruit. On the other side, Naveen's Foursquare squad continues its fall from grace. Note to foursquare: Antonio Gates is hurt, having scored 11 points all season, all in week one. Fred Jackson continues to impress, though, and Drew Brees continues to be sneaky-middling.

This will be short. Hawaii and the LTD+ crew won again. With 81.5 points. This box score demands no respect and makes me hate matchup-based fantasy football. Ugliest 2-2 possible, but a W is a W. 64.5 for Complex is just a shame. Everyone played, everyone scored, nobody did that well.

The standings after Week 4 -

One defeated team, one undefeated team left. I doubt that changes as we approach Week 5.

Finally, week 4 of Oh Shit, I left him on my bench?

A lot more svelte this week as we're seeing which teams have depth and which teams just may stink.

1. Cam Newton (QB, Carolina) - 33 points (Lando started Tony Romo, 25 pts)
2. Pierre Garcon (WR, Indianapolis) - 27 points (LTD started Devin Hester, 6 pts)
3. Eric Decker (WR, Denver) - 19.5 points (BMore Careful started Felix Jones, 8.5 pts)
4. Ryan Torain (RB, Washington) - 19 points (Foursquare started Jeremy Maclin, 8.5 pts)
5. Colt McCoy (QB, Cleveland) - 19 points (BMore Careful started Joe Flacco, 2 pts)
6. Jordy Nelson (WR, Green Bay) - 17.5 points (Skillshare started Dexter McCluster, 4.5 pts)
7. Brandon Lloyd (WR, Denver) - 17 points (Foursquare started Deion Branch, 6.5 pts)
8. Michael Bush (RB, Oakland) - 15 points (Complex started Tim Hightower, 2 pts)
9. Sidney Rice (WR, Seattle) - 14.5 points (Skillshare started Lance Moore, 7.5 pts)
10. Darrius Heyward-Bey - 13 points (Bougie Banton started Nate Washington, 7 pts)

Week 5 preview coming this Friday. Big matchups on the horizon include Lando vs. BMore Careful and Cytherea's Ark vs. G Series.