Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Curse of the Neckbeard - Recapping Week 5

Week 5 was not kind to me. It wasn't as bad for me as for, say, the Re Up Gang, who put up an alarming 44 (?!?!) points, but it was bad. And I know exactly who to blame.

Kyle F'ing Orton. See, week 5 was the first of the NFL's bye weeks. Resting were 6 teams, including my own Baltimore Ravens. Flacco and Ravens D? Not available. So I was sent to the secondary, horrible QB free agent market. Didn't I have a backup? Of course I did. The middling Colt McCoy. Also on a bye. Fricking smart. So I did the unthinkable. I was heading to Denver for the weekend so I added Kyle Orton and his neckbeard to BMore Careful. They were hosting the Chargers, a usually awful September/October team. Orton had something like 8 TDs in the first four games. Just throw me ten points, Kyle, and we're even in this terrible relationship.

Kyle Orton was not good for 10 points. Kyle Orton wasn't good for 0 points. This son of a bitch got me negative 1, was benched for Tim Tebow, and is now likely done in Denver. Effing neckbeard. I'm never growing mine out again.

Left with a Monday Night Football game featuring the Lions D needing 10.5 to get the W, I saw them put up 6 and my boys fall to 3-2. However I did see strong performances from Steve Smith, McGahee, and Hakeem Nicks to somewhat offset the ridiculousness that is the Cam Newton show (26 points), probably Lando's best draft steal.

Lando overcomes off weeks for Romo and the injured Andre Johnson to move to 5-0, the lone undefeated team left in the Haus League. Hell, even Shonn Greene showed up a little bit. BMore Careful drops to 3-2, still second in the Haus division, edging Skillshare for the spot by points.

The G Series is hurting and Cytherea's Ark didn't do anything to help it. Eddie's boys dominated. Former BMore Careful leaders Mike Vick and Jahvid Best went off. You know who didn't? Hint - Chris Johnson and LaGarrette Blount. (I'm not bitter at all.) With this matchup largely dependent on the Eagles-Bills and Lions-Bears games, both teams having players on each side, it came down to Stafford or Megatron/Best with Vick vs. Stevie also being a slight factor. Needless to say, we saw how that turned out, but I also thought this diagram may help.

Eddie's 166 points will win 99.8% of matchups this season. G Series just needed to set the table better by cracking 100 to get some tiebreak scenarios in his favor moving forward. But that likely won't matter. Dude's team is about to take a dive.

Bougie is swag surfing on us right now and Isenberg is in a tailspin, sans the fun theme song and talking bear. We actually got a reenactment of Bougie's celebration below. Check it out at 0:58.

Brady and Welker couldn't carry the day for CI this week with just 30.5 between them. Gore, Forte, and Santonio tried to help, ponying up a respectable 48 between the three of them. Not enough. Bougie left Big Ben on the bench (oops). She left DH-B there, too. She even got just 1.5 from Dexter McCluster. Didn't matter. A late Bengals D TD and strong performances team-wide started a little Bougie streak. Watch out Complex, she also gets Ray Rice (currently taking a Sheet on your computer screen) back next week.

Hawaii and Marcus finally got the 1 pick they asked for. AP. He put the team on his back, dropped 30, and continued LTD+'s recent streak of success. On the other side, Cats with Gats started two players I legitimately had to Google (Stevan Ridley and Preston Parker). Both sides unfortunately trotted out some Colts. Pierre > Dallas, CwG. And Austin Collie. And really all of the RBs and WRs you started (true story, 26.5 to 18). With a wasted huge day from Sebastian "He takes the ___" Janikowski, the Cats got knocked out.

LTD+ breaks .500 but will need more from Matty Ice in the coming weeks. Because after that Ravens - Jets game in Baltimore, I really can't see Hawaii ever starting Mark Sanchez again. I also can't see Hawaii making it to any of his 49ers' games. But that's because of this guy.

Mike K's a gracious winner. If I tripped up Foursquare by roughly a fantasy field goal, I'd let everyone know it. Main video on the front page? Likely have a featured class video that teaches how to start players who aren't on their bye week (Foursquare started Rams kicker Josh Brown, enjoying his week off) and who aren't injured (Foursquare started Antonio Gates, he of zero points since week 1). But he didn't do that. He's a classy gentleman.

Instead he eked out a win. Would any non-Orton player combo at K and TE have gotten Naveen's team 4 points. I'd say so. We can't take all credit away, though. Skillshare bet heavy on dudes with hyphen names and won because of it. The law firm and MJD combined for 40.5 points, somehow shirking the (personal) theory (of mine) that dudes with hyphen names are inherently soft. Well done, sirs. Moving forward we'll call them dudes with double-barreled names. Much more apropos.

44 points gets no respect. Two players on byes led to Re Up Gang getting 6 points from a combined 6 roster spots. To win this week, Complex just had to not fuck it up. And this week, Schaub and the 49ers D beat the Re Up Gang by their lonesome. An ugly matchup, this one, that nobody enjoyed watching. Another week like this and the Re Up boys may not get any pub.

Updated standings following Week 5 -

Four teams in each division will scrap it out for the 3 playoff spots each has. We'll be back Friday to preview this weekend.

Finally, too many teams started players on byes, who were hurt, or who put up goose eggs to do the usual "Oh shit, I left him on my bench?!?" I don't have all night, gents.

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