Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Game Changers: Recapping Week 9

It's been a little while. But before we break all of this down, I do need to echo the sentiments of AZ real quick...

With that said, let's dig into some Haus League fantasy football.

This post is entitled Game Changers. Not in the good way. We're talking about Carson Palmer. John Skelton. Tim Tebow.

Dudes that came into the game, ruined valuable fantasy football teams and shitty real football teams. You had Larry Fitzgerald (sorry Pusha), that's cute, meet John Skelton. You thought Eric Decker was a nice waiver wire surprise (sorry me?), shake hands with Tim Tebow. His hand may be five yards behind you. Pause. You had any WR on the Oakland Raiders? Go eff yourself, Boller + Palmer = nothing but T.A.I.N.T.s.

Middling to good fantasy players go down. Teams get ruined. There's the fall off after a team loses a Jamaal Charles. Then there's the week 6, 7, or 8 fall off after your number one receiver is now getting thrown balls by Skelton. I mean, that guy had safeties on consecutive possessions. Forget Fitz or Beanie (sorry Eddie). You just can't count on Cardinals.

With that in mind, we revisit the Week 9 that was in the Haus League -

I got a text from Bougie the other night asking me why I stopped writing about the league. I said I'd start back this week after a few life changes. Keeping in tune with what Bougie does when I write, Bougie helped me out. Lost. To Pusha, Ferris, and Quizno's. I guess you get what you ask for?

Bougie missed Jason Campbell this week. So did Darrius Heyward-Bey. Before the game? Nothing but Hurricane Chris.

After the game? Rocked out to Joni Mitchell all Bougie emo style.

On the other hand, Pusha T and co. benched Phil Rivers and his 33 points but did well enough with Cutler's 20 and a pretty even showing from the rest of the team (6 additional players with 10+ points). Big win for the Re Up Gang.

How did Hawaii get to .500 before this week? No idea, wasn't paying much attention. But after getting to .500, he ran into the buzzsaw that is Lando.

Real quick, though, I'm going to let you in on a quick secret. Some call it a conspiracy theory. I say it's real.

When did the new Drizzy leak? Drake acknowledged it Monday -
Lando leaked that shit. Wait, strike that. Lando sent Hawaii a copy to LTD+ to arrive first thing, after the W was locked down, the ultimate shit talking move. Then, out of pain, anger, general discontent, Hawaii leaked that joint. Maybe the most G boasting we've seen in the Haus League yet from Lando, the same dude who dropped the heat rock Comeback Season. Warning to whoever faces Lando in the playoffs - he may just shoot you the Drizzy - Rozay mixtape "You Only Live Once"the day before that tape drops. Don't say I didn't tell you.

To the nuts and bolts of it, here are some things to note. 1) Hawaii will never get 65+ from Ryan, Helu, and Marshawn. Ever again. 2) Lando found a way to get the win on Killa Cam's bye week (kudos), leaning on B. Marshall and The Race to get it done.

Isenberg continues to not be able to catch a break, taking an L in the closest matchup of the week. The kid had Brady and Welker in their early glory days of 2011, and is now fortunate enough to be also counting on Gore and Forte who have been having great years past their expected weeks 1-4 success. One player who hasn't continued being good past weeks 1-4? Scott Chandler. The only issue is Isenberg's backup for him is Ben Watson. Maybe that would work in 2008?

On the Complex side, their streak continues. After falling to 2-3, they've rattled off four straight. I was going to detail the exact ways they did it, but I didn't have the time to put together a 50 slide slideshow. Maybe next week. Really, though, Plex was able to continue a solid run despite Schaub, Dez, and Malcolm Floyd for a combined 15. Jake Ballard continues to impress, proving a better look than Kellen at the TE spot.

So maybe Chris Johnson and LeGarrette Blount were not the answer to my ills. Granted Jahvid, who I traded with Vick for those two RBs, got hurt, but I was then down to Flacco which pushed me to make a move of Nicks for Romo. It's a mess, I'm a mess. I did learn to always use a RB (this week McGahee) against the now version of the Raiders.

The Cats' white knight, Aaron Rodgers, continued to play out of this universe, dropping a solid 38 on my squad. Couple that with the 19th dude to know the real truth about Kim K (before Kris Hump became the 28th), Reggie Bush, playing like he's actually good (he's not), and the Cats were able to nearly squash my team with their efforts and those of Vincent Jackson (35.5). Yikes. If Walter, Clark, and Vinatieri (all white, keeping with the Cats mission statement) had put up anything reasonable, this would have gotten much more out of hand.

Eddie laid an egg. Detroit went on a bye week. Megatron went to get recharged. Jahvid went to figure out if he could play again this season (familiar refrain). Even Vick put up an anemic 9 points. Foursquare overcame this huge point total with a solid 0 from Run DMC and really nobody but Brees showing up this weekend. 82.5 was enough, though, in a rough matchup to follow.

The G Series is thin at RB. Coupling injuries (Ahmad and Ingram) with a who-the-f'-is-he? player Chris Ogbonnaya, Mr. Smith got a combined 0.5 points from his running backs and defense. G Series was actually the only other team that Foursquare would have beaten this week. Beacon of hope Rob Gronkowski (20 pts) was all for naught in an anemic showing for the G Series' second L in a row.

On the Skillshare end of things, Elisha Nelson Manning may be good. Like, real good. Unless he's playing the Seahawks at home. Manning, S Jax, and Heath Miller paced them to the W. Jordy Nelson on the bench would have helped with his 18.5 but wasn't needed this week.

After 9 weeks, the jumbled standings -

See you later this week with the Week 10 preview.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Curse of the Neckbeard - Recapping Week 5

Week 5 was not kind to me. It wasn't as bad for me as for, say, the Re Up Gang, who put up an alarming 44 (?!?!) points, but it was bad. And I know exactly who to blame.

Kyle F'ing Orton. See, week 5 was the first of the NFL's bye weeks. Resting were 6 teams, including my own Baltimore Ravens. Flacco and Ravens D? Not available. So I was sent to the secondary, horrible QB free agent market. Didn't I have a backup? Of course I did. The middling Colt McCoy. Also on a bye. Fricking smart. So I did the unthinkable. I was heading to Denver for the weekend so I added Kyle Orton and his neckbeard to BMore Careful. They were hosting the Chargers, a usually awful September/October team. Orton had something like 8 TDs in the first four games. Just throw me ten points, Kyle, and we're even in this terrible relationship.

Kyle Orton was not good for 10 points. Kyle Orton wasn't good for 0 points. This son of a bitch got me negative 1, was benched for Tim Tebow, and is now likely done in Denver. Effing neckbeard. I'm never growing mine out again.

Left with a Monday Night Football game featuring the Lions D needing 10.5 to get the W, I saw them put up 6 and my boys fall to 3-2. However I did see strong performances from Steve Smith, McGahee, and Hakeem Nicks to somewhat offset the ridiculousness that is the Cam Newton show (26 points), probably Lando's best draft steal.

Lando overcomes off weeks for Romo and the injured Andre Johnson to move to 5-0, the lone undefeated team left in the Haus League. Hell, even Shonn Greene showed up a little bit. BMore Careful drops to 3-2, still second in the Haus division, edging Skillshare for the spot by points.

The G Series is hurting and Cytherea's Ark didn't do anything to help it. Eddie's boys dominated. Former BMore Careful leaders Mike Vick and Jahvid Best went off. You know who didn't? Hint - Chris Johnson and LaGarrette Blount. (I'm not bitter at all.) With this matchup largely dependent on the Eagles-Bills and Lions-Bears games, both teams having players on each side, it came down to Stafford or Megatron/Best with Vick vs. Stevie also being a slight factor. Needless to say, we saw how that turned out, but I also thought this diagram may help.

Eddie's 166 points will win 99.8% of matchups this season. G Series just needed to set the table better by cracking 100 to get some tiebreak scenarios in his favor moving forward. But that likely won't matter. Dude's team is about to take a dive.

Bougie is swag surfing on us right now and Isenberg is in a tailspin, sans the fun theme song and talking bear. We actually got a reenactment of Bougie's celebration below. Check it out at 0:58.

Brady and Welker couldn't carry the day for CI this week with just 30.5 between them. Gore, Forte, and Santonio tried to help, ponying up a respectable 48 between the three of them. Not enough. Bougie left Big Ben on the bench (oops). She left DH-B there, too. She even got just 1.5 from Dexter McCluster. Didn't matter. A late Bengals D TD and strong performances team-wide started a little Bougie streak. Watch out Complex, she also gets Ray Rice (currently taking a Sheet on your computer screen) back next week.

Hawaii and Marcus finally got the 1 pick they asked for. AP. He put the team on his back, dropped 30, and continued LTD+'s recent streak of success. On the other side, Cats with Gats started two players I legitimately had to Google (Stevan Ridley and Preston Parker). Both sides unfortunately trotted out some Colts. Pierre > Dallas, CwG. And Austin Collie. And really all of the RBs and WRs you started (true story, 26.5 to 18). With a wasted huge day from Sebastian "He takes the ___" Janikowski, the Cats got knocked out.

LTD+ breaks .500 but will need more from Matty Ice in the coming weeks. Because after that Ravens - Jets game in Baltimore, I really can't see Hawaii ever starting Mark Sanchez again. I also can't see Hawaii making it to any of his 49ers' games. But that's because of this guy.

Mike K's a gracious winner. If I tripped up Foursquare by roughly a fantasy field goal, I'd let everyone know it. Main video on the front page? Likely have a featured class video that teaches how to start players who aren't on their bye week (Foursquare started Rams kicker Josh Brown, enjoying his week off) and who aren't injured (Foursquare started Antonio Gates, he of zero points since week 1). But he didn't do that. He's a classy gentleman.

Instead he eked out a win. Would any non-Orton player combo at K and TE have gotten Naveen's team 4 points. I'd say so. We can't take all credit away, though. Skillshare bet heavy on dudes with hyphen names and won because of it. The law firm and MJD combined for 40.5 points, somehow shirking the (personal) theory (of mine) that dudes with hyphen names are inherently soft. Well done, sirs. Moving forward we'll call them dudes with double-barreled names. Much more apropos.

44 points gets no respect. Two players on byes led to Re Up Gang getting 6 points from a combined 6 roster spots. To win this week, Complex just had to not fuck it up. And this week, Schaub and the 49ers D beat the Re Up Gang by their lonesome. An ugly matchup, this one, that nobody enjoyed watching. Another week like this and the Re Up boys may not get any pub.

Updated standings following Week 5 -

Four teams in each division will scrap it out for the 3 playoff spots each has. We'll be back Friday to preview this weekend.

Finally, too many teams started players on byes, who were hurt, or who put up goose eggs to do the usual "Oh shit, I left him on my bench?!?" I don't have all night, gents.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Moving Day - The Week 5 Preview

In golf tournaments, Saturday is called Moving Day. If you want to have a shot to win on Sunday, you need to set the table on Saturday. In fantasy football, Moving Day takes on a different sort of importance. You can't take too many things off of the table. Because a fantasy team in a hole has a tendency to fall apart. Owners stop caring, stop updating, even start saying despicable things like "Oh man, I'm sorry, I was super busy this week. It doesn't matter, though, my team stinks. We probably would have lost anyway."

I have no idea what this white boy, Burch, is talkin bout with Moving Day, but last time I moved, there were lots of Chinamen carrying four loko from the LES to Stuytown. Ninjas, we here!

So as we review our Week 5 matchups, we'll offer the usual prognostications, and include one or two Moving Day implications per matchup.

Let's go.

I'd say, somewhat for selfish reasons, this is the matchup of the week. The lone undefeated team, Lando, facing BMore Careful, currently 3-1. ESPN has my boys favored by 7. Despite the fact that I am starting Kyle Orton with a straight face. For different reasons, we will both likely have a ton of Jack Daniels Saturday night. Cam Newton gets a start for Lando, hoping to help the team overcome starts for Isaac Redman and Antonio Brown. Lando's counting on a good Steelers performance more than Bougie and Big Ben.

Son, how is this the matchup of the week? Lando doesn't have 'Dre and Cool (Johnson/Marshall), the core of his squad. He just rollin' out Mr. 400 Cam Newton to see if he can beat you on his lonesome. Oh yea, he got The Race too... But, he's fucked cause any points he gets with Cam, you're probably getting with Steve Smith. It's like you don't like your neighbor so you fuck his girl. Little do you know she got the herp. So, every time you win, he does too. Yea, it's exactly like that. Yall all in the Jeter herpe tree with Cam Newton and Steve Smith. Bmore Wins.

With a win, Lando becomes the favorite. With a loss, he can blame bye weeks and/or what would assumedly be a week Pittsburgh team. A win for BMore Careful just makes me insufferable as I continue forward with the season, while a loss will be immediately and unequivocally blamed on Kyle Orton and the early Ravens bye.

Rational Prediction: Lando 119, BMore Careful 113
Personal Prediction: BMore Careful 149, Lando 37

Two strong teams face off in a matchup that seems to have little downside as it relates to the rest of the season. But one of these teams has a lot more to lose in this one, and that team is the G Series. A loss amplifies the Jamaal Charles season-long injury and the subsequent Mark Ingram starts. And, despite a 4-0 start for the Lions, we all remember that Matthew Stafford is made of flesh, bone, and papier-macher. Eddie, on the other hand, is looking solid (as long as Vick is healthy).

We have the same situation in this matchup. Cytherea is giving Stafford, Megatron, and Smith herpe flavored gatorade. Stafford/Megatron gonna cancel each other out this week. I'm kinda scared of Ahmad Bradshaw, but even with a lot of my guys on bye, we gonna handle this. Why? Because of a train named Beanie Wells aka The Underground Smell-road. Burch, what I tell you when you wanted a trade? You can have anyone but Megatron and Beanie Wells. Beanie Wells you said? Yes, you can't touch what you can't see and no one knows where the underground smell-road is. Plus, the Eagles D is gonna wake up this week and shut Stevie Johnson down. Nnandi is gonna dedicate this game to Darth Vader, RIP AL. I almost started Jason Campbell in remembrance, but then I realized Al probably likes Vick more.

I'm seeing a blowout and plenty of excuses from Mr. Smith's G Series, this week based on Ingram, Gronkowski, and the Saints sieve of a D against the Panthers. On Eddie's side, obvious big days from Vick and Megatron, and a pleasant surprise from Dwayne Bowe. A G Series L would be devastating. And another big injury to the G Series squad will have this jamming through the Gatorade offices.

Prediction: Cytherea's Ark 133, G Series 104

Fresh off his near scrap with Jack Harbaugh (making the face on the right), Hawaii and the LTD+ squad are walking with their chests out. For no real good reason. One win against the hapless Re Up Gang, the other with a point total in the 90s. It ends here.

Two things will happen here - The real A Rod lights up the Falcons in Atlanta (again), and LTD forgets to sub out Brandon Gibson, he currently on a bye and starting as of press time. The only potential pitfalls for CwG are Mike Thomas, Ced Benson, and LTD+'s Adrian Peterson going against the awful Cardinals D.

I was going to add more commentary, but then I realized I only care about myself. "Am I really just a narcissist/ because I wake up to a bowl of lobster bisque?" - BAWSE, I Love My Bitches

HUGH! You know the Megatron Don made this for my squad. Deceptecon shit, LEY GO!

With a win, the CwG will have to openly admit that their fortunes ride with Rodgers, win, lose, or draw. His performance is currently masking some weak points for the team. A loss for LTD+ puts them in the fake-mediocre clubs. Wins over awful teams, no shot against the real players. I see multiple weeks of bye-week players getting starts for LTD+ in the future.

Prediction: Cats with Gats 110, LTD+ 89

CI and the Isenbergs can't catch a break. He's put up huge numbers with the ridiculous Brady-Welker combo while facing the second toughest matchups thus far. He's averaging over 122 a game and is 1-3. I see that becoming 1-4 with an unexpected upset this week. Brady and Welker are facing a legitimate pass D in their divisional matchup with the Jets, who are unlikely to shit the bed three weeks in a row. Now we just need Bougie to pull currently-on-a-bye Ray Rice and put in... oh... wait. Who can she put in? I'm throwing it out there, it won't matter. Bougie with the upset this week as Isenberg gets low numbers from Forte and Starks.

If Bougie can pull off this upset, she will have a glimmer of hope with Ray Rice coming back next week. If she doesn't, I see the Bantons packing it in. We're talking misguided trades, lashing out message board posts, and more emo music. Isenberg is the wildcard here. As long as he has Brady / Welker, he can win any week. A loss, though, and he might just delete the bookmark for the league website.

Prediction: Bougie Banton 114, Isenberg 112

Foursquare needs a pick-me-up. Badly. First step - please sub out Antonio Gates. He's not playing this week. If that happens, I see Skillshare falling to Foursquare this week. I think Nnamdi and the Eagles are going to make Fitzpatrick look like he went to Lincoln Tech, and the Jets will bottle up BJGE. To win, though, Foursquare needs Fred Jackson to continue his improbable run and for Run DMC to stay on the field. Seems easy this year, but anyone who has followed him in the past is less than optimistic.

I only see a win benefiting Skillshare as Mike and Malcolm seem to be on top of their squad and are looking even better with both Colston and Miles Austin back in the fold. A loss for the Foursquare crew makes me worry that the league website may be the focus of their next hackathon.

Prediction: Foursquare 107, Skillshare 104

ESPN currently guesses both of these teams will score just over 80. Both rosters currently have players on byes in the lineup. Not going to dignify this one with any deep thought. Both teams should pack it in, petition for a keeper league, and work for next year.

This matchup makes me feel like doing this.

Prediction: Complex 76, Re Up Gang 76 (Nobody wins)

Have a good weekend all.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Game the Same, Just Got More Fierce - Recapping Week 4

I jumped the gun calling out Yung Berg's Bougie Banton team in the week 4 preview. Basically, I thought she had thrown in the towel. Beanie Sigel's "Feel It In The Air" solidified that in my mind. Emo rapping over a beautiful beat? How does that get anyone pumped up? But I was living in a different era. I was ignoring my surroundings.

To sum it up perfectly, I forgot about "Marvin's Room."

Drake droning on like a simp about love lost, spending entirely too much time hating on other dudes (the bar is over 37 seconds of a man's life. He shattered it). Bomani Jones nailed it. Big Ghost nailed it. Fake vulnerability, empty emotion, general softness (pause).

And victory. Because Drake is really doing it right now. He's one of the few artists moving units. He's getting tour dough. And Yung Berg saw this. Saw this "emotion," and decided it was her only out. Puffing her chest out through Week 3 netted her zero love, zero wins. It really made me harken back to the below scene from The Wire, about 1:04 in...

The game is the same. It still comes down to the same things. But it did get more fierce with this emo bullshit. And we better react. I'm already working on my pregame music. Mac ft. Mystikal - "Murda Murda Kill Kill" out.

This week? No beef with Fabolous but my BMore Careful boys may have a concert in their living room this weekend -

Skillshare, favored by 10.5, took a hard L to Bougie. Her De boys woke up to combine for 28 points and Ray Rice was one of the only bright points of the Baltimore offense (or offense in general in the Ravens - Jets tilt). In the meantime, Skillshare got 12 points total from its WRs and was done by the end of Sunday Night Football. Yung Berg is off the schneid, even with Big Ben continuing to be on the straight and narrow.

Which left us with the other remaining defeated team: Re Up Gang. The Re Up team put up a respectable number this week. They would have beaten 6 of the teams in the Haus League with their 115 total. But they wouldn't beat Eddie and Cytherea's Ark. Not with Michael Vick finally doing the good type of Michael-Vick-type-things. Even in losing to the usually woeful 49ers, Vick was still Vick, racking up 33 points. Other positive surprises for Eddie's crew were Beanie Wells' 31. And Megatron is still Megatron. We found this picture of him after the game -

Would you want to tackle that? Didn't think so.

On Pusha T and Quizno's front, your humble league commissioner strongly recommends against starting players who were last good in 2009 or before. Yes, we're referencing Burleson, Boldin, and Tomlinson (3 carries for -3 yards for the fake LT). The good news? Week 5 has Complex as your opponent and Phil Rivers gets to handle the Denver Broncos. Again.

I'll admit I was a little off with my prediction of BMore Careful winning 173 to 90. But shockingly, not too far off as my boys overcame a horrendous game by Joe Flacco to scratch out a win against Team Brady and Welker. It wasn't the 73 points they gave to Isenberg last week, but a pedestrian (for them) 46.5. Instead, Isenberg got a little help from the rest of his team for a change. 50 total from Forte and Gore? Not enough as Hakeem Nicks, Steve Smith, and the Ravens D led the way. 32 points for Ravens D this week was ridiculous, and even crazier in person. Word to Jack Harbaugh, who nearly threw down with our very own Hawaii Mike.

It was all good just a week ago for the G Series. Then 7 of his 9 players scored 10 points or less in a tough faceoff with the shockingly high-scoring Cats with Gats. The line of G Series -60 actually ended up being closer to Aaron Rodgers' total for the day (53). Yeah, that happened. A combined 6 TDs bailed the Cats out of mediocre performances by Reggie Bush and Peyton Hillis. The G Series' loss of Jamaal Charles is really starting to hurt now as we see Mark Ingram at 6 points just isn't going to do it.

One team remains undefeated: Lando. He's been flying high since Comeback Season dropped. He noted the power of going Charmin-soft like Drake early. Can't even be mad. Lando's box score was the only place Tony Romo was successful this weekend (25 pts), and his Arian Foster ("The Nation" if you ask Eddie) pick finally bore fruit. On the other side, Naveen's Foursquare squad continues its fall from grace. Note to foursquare: Antonio Gates is hurt, having scored 11 points all season, all in week one. Fred Jackson continues to impress, though, and Drew Brees continues to be sneaky-middling.

This will be short. Hawaii and the LTD+ crew won again. With 81.5 points. This box score demands no respect and makes me hate matchup-based fantasy football. Ugliest 2-2 possible, but a W is a W. 64.5 for Complex is just a shame. Everyone played, everyone scored, nobody did that well.

The standings after Week 4 -

One defeated team, one undefeated team left. I doubt that changes as we approach Week 5.

Finally, week 4 of Oh Shit, I left him on my bench?
A lot more svelte this week as we're seeing which teams have depth and which teams just may stink.
  1. Cam Newton (QB, Carolina) - 33 points (Lando started Tony Romo, 25 pts)
  2. Pierre Garcon (WR, Indianapolis) - 27 points (LTD started Devin Hester, 6 pts)
  3. Eric Decker (WR, Denver) - 19.5 points (BMore Careful started Felix Jones, 8.5 pts)
  4. Ryan Torain (RB, Washington) - 19 points (Foursquare started Jeremy Maclin, 8.5 pts)
  5. Colt McCoy (QB, Cleveland) - 19 points (BMore Careful started Joe Flacco, 2 pts)
  6. Jordy Nelson (WR, Green Bay) - 17.5 points (Skillshare started Dexter McCluster, 4.5 pts)
  7. Brandon Lloyd (WR, Denver) - 17 points (Foursquare started Deion Branch, 6.5 pts)
  8. Michael Bush (RB, Oakland) - 15 points (Complex started Tim Hightower, 2 pts)
  9. Sidney Rice (WR, Seattle) - 14.5 points (Skillshare started Lance Moore, 7.5 pts)
  10. Darrius Heyward-Bey - 13 points (Bougie Banton started Nate Washington, 7 pts)

Week 5 preview coming this Friday. Big matchups on the horizon include Lando vs. BMore Careful and Cytherea's Ark vs. G Series.

Friday, September 30, 2011

The Effects of Losing: Previewing Week 4

Losing can have a damning effect on people in fantasy football leagues. I don't know personally, that shit doesn't really happen with my squads, but it's what I heard. And it's showing in our very own Haus League.

Case number 1 - Bougie Banton. Quick question: What do you do to get pumped up for a battle? For even the most mundane of tasks? Me? Lately I've been staying with that Killa Kyleon "Candy Paint and Texas Plates 2." Tell me this doesn't get you amped...

What if I want to mix it up? Maybe rock with some Waka, some Mr. M'fin Exquire, or even some Gangsta Gibbs. What's Bougie do? The exact opposite. With a straight face, Mz. Banton got emo fresh with us on the league board and dropped this -

Really, Bougie? You went crying Beans on us? If this is your theme song this weekend then I anticipate nothing but cloudy days and disappointment. Emo Beans when he still was in the Roc fold.

With that type of mood, I completely co-sign the ESPN line of Skillshare by 7.5. I'd bump it to 15 if Malcolm and Mike didn't start the bum juice that is BenJarvus Green-Ellis.

I'm making two predictions:
  1. Skillshare 117, Bougie 98
  2. The below song will be next week's motivation music for Bougie

Case number 2 - The Re Up Gang. Sometimes losing can be fruitful. Bad drafts lead to terrible lineups, no viable running backs, and exceptional music. Everyone agrees, Pusha T murdered it on "Don't Fuck With Me." The silver lining to this prelude to Fear of God 2? Miss Info thinks Pusha is going at a couple people but we in the league know the real deal, and I'm fine with 4:06 of Pusha openly questioning how Quizno's assembles a team. Some say it's a bit much, I say it's well earned when a team has to start Nate Burleson in the flex position with a straight face.

It's pretty simple. Eddie should never be a 19.5 favorite with his current team. I love Mike Vick, but he's a snap away from the Eagles having Mike Kafka do Kafkaesque things. We do still love Megatron, though. But what ESPN is really talking about is Re Up's team. Can't wait for the next track going at the worldwide leader for besmirching your boys (Fear of God 3?).

Prediction: Cytherea's Ark 111, Re Up Gang 89

Now to those matchups involving teams that are not 100% defeated.

I'll be honest. The G Series, helmed by Gatorade marketer Mike Smith, is a known entity to me. Pause. I'm saying, he and I have been playing in the same fantasy leagues for a bunch of years now. And usually he's decent and talks like he's the man. This season, in this league, his words may actually ring true. And that stinks because this dude is insufferable in describing how good his boys are. With ESPN projecting a line of -60 (WTF), I see little hope for Cats with Gats. Rodgers may equal Stafford numbers-wise, the Cats lose their biggest weapon and have to rely on Reggie Bush, currently in his second childhood. Yikes. The Cats only real shot lies in G Series' reliance on Mark Ingram as a starter. We all know how well that can work out.

Prediction: G Series 138, Cats with Gats 103

I'm an unabashed homer. There's no need for a stat breakdown, a link to a witty picture (maybe another creepy one, though), or any thought really. The writing is pretty much on the wall for this one.

Prediction: BMore Careful 173, Isenberg 90

LTD got a W. They're getting down extra special tonight to celebrate. Mention LTD's win over Re Up Gang and you get to purchase your own drinks all night. Can't beat that.

In week 4, they're the favorite, by a sizable 20.5 And Hawaii Mike is pumped. It's written all over his face.

Had to use that one more time. Anyway, I see this one holding up as forecasted. Wait. Just looked at the players. No fricking chance. Complex comes back this week with a W as Schaub, McCoy, and Dez prove the difference. No way LTD gets to 124 with Marshawn, Brandon Gibson, and Devin Hester. No chance.

Prediction: Complex 117, LTD 101

Lando escaped in Week 3. Kept Bougie down. I don't see his luck continuing. Not with Britt down, a tough matchup for Arian, and Julio Jones getting burn. One positive could be Lando's Bucs D gets to host the Curtis Painter show. That may be 20+ this week. And terrible to watch. On Foursquare's side, Naveen is going to need Deion Branch to actually get a catch this week. But with Brees, Fred Jackson, and Run DMC going, all should be well.

Prediction: Foursquare 109, Lando 88

Back next week to see that I nailed all 6 predictions (and underestimated how many points my team would put up). Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

You Need IR to Spell Britt - Recapping Week Three

Team Lando. Team G Series. Repping food and drink hard. The only two Draft participants who participated via Google Docs. Voiceless. But now they're being heard, as the last remaining undefeated teams in The Haus League.

How they got through week three unscathed? Wildly different ways.

G Series came out of the gates fast with a team-wide effort, with 4 players over 20 points, and 7 over 15, effectively wasting what was a solid effort by Superiority Complex, 169 - 113.5. Solid days by Matt Schaub and LeSean McCoy all for naught. G Series was just too strong, rocking both an optimal lineup and Jamaal Charles somehow still on the bench waving the towel for his teammates like Brian Scalabrine.

In the meantime, the streets are buzzing for Lando. During Monday Night Football, relying solely on the Dallas Cowboys, Lando dropped the heat rock that is his new mixtape.

Drake totally jacked the cover and title but never swagged it out with the ill Food Network water bottle on the desk. Despite a painful Kenny Britt ACL/MCL combo platter, Lando needed just 11 points from the Dallas D to beat Bougie Banton. And he had just 10 as time was ticking away and Sexy Rexy had the ball.

But then Rex got in the studio. Dropped Rex on Rex on Rex.

Did Rex-type things. Like fumbling away the game in a very Rex-like way. With that, another two points for Lando, and another epic L for she who loves having her chain snatched, our very own Yung Berg. Note to Berg, if his name starts with De, don't start him.

Now to go around the rest of the league -

Michael Vick down? No problem. Eddie's new look squad continued to count on Megatron and his 25.5 points. Cats with Gats' predominantly Caucasian team didn't show up to work. Peyton Hillis? Out. Dallas Clark? Benched. Reggie Bush? Rocking the visor. Even leaving Dwayne Bowe on the bench in his only good week, Eddie prevailed, moving to 2-1.

73 points. Yes, 73. That's what happens when Tom Brady leaves the Uggs in his wife's closet and hooks up with Wes Welker all day. Pause. Unfortunately Isenberg's other 7 players accounted for only 23.5. Ouch. Skillshare, on the other hand, continued their positive streak, eking out the W with no-show performances by BenJarvus, Jordy, and Dexter. Reading that last sentence back, we can't be shocked. Ryan Mathews continues to be a positive surprise for the Skillshare crew.

Number one sign you might have had a bad draft: LaDainian Tomlinson leads your team in points in week 3. In 2011. With very little else positive for the Re Up Gang, the door was open for Marcus and Hawaii Mike from LTD to notch their first W.

And they were pumped. Fucking ebullient. I mean, just look at Hawaii's face.

But for real, LTD finally showed up in the building. Sanchez, Jermichael, and Jennings (who, coincidentally, did his best to put the team on his back, doe) beat Re Up alone. Don't worry, though, Pusha, we won't fuck with you.

Eddie picked against my boys last week. I'll admit it, it hurt a little, but I knew it was because he got the short end of the stick in our trade. Vick got nearly concussed again, broke his hand, and complained about how little respect he gets. Unfortunately, this isn't the Bad Quarterback Fantasy League and you get no love for any of that. In the meantime, Joe Flacco went off. 25-fantasy-points-in-the-first-quarter type off. Also buoyed by the dominant Ravens D, my team overcame slow days by both recently acquired RBs to defeat Foursquare and its combo of Drew Brees, Run DMC, and maybe nobody else. Note to Naveen, Curtis Painter to Reggie Wayne? Not all day.

The Week 3 Standings -

Look for Bougie to make some disappointing moves coming up. She's already 0 and 3 and threatening to bench my boy Ray Rice, who just so happens to take his Sunday morning Sheet in the locker room. And Re Up? No prescription for that ailment.

Finally, week three of Oh Shit, I left him on my Bench?
  1. Fred Jackson (RB, Buffalo) - 23.5 points (Foursquare started Johnathan Stewart, 8.5 pts)
  2. Lance Moore (WR, New Orleans) - 22.5 points (Skillshare started BenJarvus Green-Ellis, 1 pt)
  3. Jay Cutler (QB, Chicago) - 21 points (Re Up Gang started Phil Rivers, 6 pts)
  4. Nate Washington (WR, Tennessee) - 19 points (Bougie Banton started DeSean Jackson, 4 pts)
  5. Brandon Pettigrew (TE, Detroit) - 16.5 points (Bougie Banton started Tony Gonzalez, 8 pts)
  6. Felix Jones (RB, Dallas) - 16.5 points (BMore Careful started Steve Smith, 2pts)
  7. Greg Olsen (TE, Carolina) - 16.5 points (Skillshare started Scott Chandler, 8 pts)
  8. Dwayne Bowe (WR, Kansas City) - 14 points (Cytherea's Ark started A.J. Green, 4 pts)
  9. Julio Jones (WR, Atlanta) - 14 points (Lando started Kenny Britt, 0.5 pts. Makes sense, but now Lando's Britt'less and vulnerable)
  10. Brandon Jacobs (RB, NY Giants) - 14 points (Cats with Gats started Seattle's Mike Williams, goose egg. We doubt the Cats have seen how bad Seattle is)
  11. Plaxico Burress (WR, NY Jets) - 12.5 points (Isenberg started James Starks, -0.5 pts)
  12. Pierre Garcon (WR, Indianapolis) - 11 points (LTD started Hines Ward, 2.5 pts)
  13. Dustin Keller (TE, NY Jets) - 10.5 points (Superiority Complex started Kellen "I'm a SOLDIER!" Winslow, 3 pts)
Congratulations go out to the G Series with no entrants this week. Optimal lineup.

Week 4 approaches and it's not safe even at the top. Look for injuries to Charles and Britt to put serious dents in both teams' chances to continue undefeated.

And can Bougie and Re Up be anything but defeated after Week 4? Full preview coming this Friday.