Friday, September 30, 2011

The Effects of Losing: Previewing Week 4

Losing can have a damning effect on people in fantasy football leagues. I don't know personally, that shit doesn't really happen with my squads, but it's what I heard. And it's showing in our very own Haus League.

Case number 1 - Bougie Banton. Quick question: What do you do to get pumped up for a battle? For even the most mundane of tasks? Me? Lately I've been staying with that Killa Kyleon "Candy Paint and Texas Plates 2." Tell me this doesn't get you amped...

What if I want to mix it up? Maybe rock with some Waka, some Mr. M'fin Exquire, or even some Gangsta Gibbs. What's Bougie do? The exact opposite. With a straight face, Mz. Banton got emo fresh with us on the league board and dropped this -

Really, Bougie? You went crying Beans on us? If this is your theme song this weekend then I anticipate nothing but cloudy days and disappointment. Emo Beans when he still was in the Roc fold.

With that type of mood, I completely co-sign the ESPN line of Skillshare by 7.5. I'd bump it to 15 if Malcolm and Mike didn't start the bum juice that is BenJarvus Green-Ellis.

I'm making two predictions:
  1. Skillshare 117, Bougie 98
  2. The below song will be next week's motivation music for Bougie

Case number 2 - The Re Up Gang. Sometimes losing can be fruitful. Bad drafts lead to terrible lineups, no viable running backs, and exceptional music. Everyone agrees, Pusha T murdered it on "Don't Fuck With Me." The silver lining to this prelude to Fear of God 2? Miss Info thinks Pusha is going at a couple people but we in the league know the real deal, and I'm fine with 4:06 of Pusha openly questioning how Quizno's assembles a team. Some say it's a bit much, I say it's well earned when a team has to start Nate Burleson in the flex position with a straight face.

It's pretty simple. Eddie should never be a 19.5 favorite with his current team. I love Mike Vick, but he's a snap away from the Eagles having Mike Kafka do Kafkaesque things. We do still love Megatron, though. But what ESPN is really talking about is Re Up's team. Can't wait for the next track going at the worldwide leader for besmirching your boys (Fear of God 3?).

Prediction: Cytherea's Ark 111, Re Up Gang 89

Now to those matchups involving teams that are not 100% defeated.

I'll be honest. The G Series, helmed by Gatorade marketer Mike Smith, is a known entity to me. Pause. I'm saying, he and I have been playing in the same fantasy leagues for a bunch of years now. And usually he's decent and talks like he's the man. This season, in this league, his words may actually ring true. And that stinks because this dude is insufferable in describing how good his boys are. With ESPN projecting a line of -60 (WTF), I see little hope for Cats with Gats. Rodgers may equal Stafford numbers-wise, the Cats lose their biggest weapon and have to rely on Reggie Bush, currently in his second childhood. Yikes. The Cats only real shot lies in G Series' reliance on Mark Ingram as a starter. We all know how well that can work out.

Prediction: G Series 138, Cats with Gats 103

I'm an unabashed homer. There's no need for a stat breakdown, a link to a witty picture (maybe another creepy one, though), or any thought really. The writing is pretty much on the wall for this one.

Prediction: BMore Careful 173, Isenberg 90

LTD got a W. They're getting down extra special tonight to celebrate. Mention LTD's win over Re Up Gang and you get to purchase your own drinks all night. Can't beat that.

In week 4, they're the favorite, by a sizable 20.5 And Hawaii Mike is pumped. It's written all over his face.

Had to use that one more time. Anyway, I see this one holding up as forecasted. Wait. Just looked at the players. No fricking chance. Complex comes back this week with a W as Schaub, McCoy, and Dez prove the difference. No way LTD gets to 124 with Marshawn, Brandon Gibson, and Devin Hester. No chance.

Prediction: Complex 117, LTD 101

Lando escaped in Week 3. Kept Bougie down. I don't see his luck continuing. Not with Britt down, a tough matchup for Arian, and Julio Jones getting burn. One positive could be Lando's Bucs D gets to host the Curtis Painter show. That may be 20+ this week. And terrible to watch. On Foursquare's side, Naveen is going to need Deion Branch to actually get a catch this week. But with Brees, Fred Jackson, and Run DMC going, all should be well.

Prediction: Foursquare 109, Lando 88

Back next week to see that I nailed all 6 predictions (and underestimated how many points my team would put up). Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

You Need IR to Spell Britt - Recapping Week Three

Team Lando. Team G Series. Repping food and drink hard. The only two Draft participants who participated via Google Docs. Voiceless. But now they're being heard, as the last remaining undefeated teams in The Haus League.

How they got through week three unscathed? Wildly different ways.

G Series came out of the gates fast with a team-wide effort, with 4 players over 20 points, and 7 over 15, effectively wasting what was a solid effort by Superiority Complex, 169 - 113.5. Solid days by Matt Schaub and LeSean McCoy all for naught. G Series was just too strong, rocking both an optimal lineup and Jamaal Charles somehow still on the bench waving the towel for his teammates like Brian Scalabrine.

In the meantime, the streets are buzzing for Lando. During Monday Night Football, relying solely on the Dallas Cowboys, Lando dropped the heat rock that is his new mixtape.

Drake totally jacked the cover and title but never swagged it out with the ill Food Network water bottle on the desk. Despite a painful Kenny Britt ACL/MCL combo platter, Lando needed just 11 points from the Dallas D to beat Bougie Banton. And he had just 10 as time was ticking away and Sexy Rexy had the ball.

But then Rex got in the studio. Dropped Rex on Rex on Rex.

Did Rex-type things. Like fumbling away the game in a very Rex-like way. With that, another two points for Lando, and another epic L for she who loves having her chain snatched, our very own Yung Berg. Note to Berg, if his name starts with De, don't start him.

Now to go around the rest of the league -

Michael Vick down? No problem. Eddie's new look squad continued to count on Megatron and his 25.5 points. Cats with Gats' predominantly Caucasian team didn't show up to work. Peyton Hillis? Out. Dallas Clark? Benched. Reggie Bush? Rocking the visor. Even leaving Dwayne Bowe on the bench in his only good week, Eddie prevailed, moving to 2-1.

73 points. Yes, 73. That's what happens when Tom Brady leaves the Uggs in his wife's closet and hooks up with Wes Welker all day. Pause. Unfortunately Isenberg's other 7 players accounted for only 23.5. Ouch. Skillshare, on the other hand, continued their positive streak, eking out the W with no-show performances by BenJarvus, Jordy, and Dexter. Reading that last sentence back, we can't be shocked. Ryan Mathews continues to be a positive surprise for the Skillshare crew.

Number one sign you might have had a bad draft: LaDainian Tomlinson leads your team in points in week 3. In 2011. With very little else positive for the Re Up Gang, the door was open for Marcus and Hawaii Mike from LTD to notch their first W.

And they were pumped. Fucking ebullient. I mean, just look at Hawaii's face.

But for real, LTD finally showed up in the building. Sanchez, Jermichael, and Jennings (who, coincidentally, did his best to put the team on his back, doe) beat Re Up alone. Don't worry, though, Pusha, we won't fuck with you.

Eddie picked against my boys last week. I'll admit it, it hurt a little, but I knew it was because he got the short end of the stick in our trade. Vick got nearly concussed again, broke his hand, and complained about how little respect he gets. Unfortunately, this isn't the Bad Quarterback Fantasy League and you get no love for any of that. In the meantime, Joe Flacco went off. 25-fantasy-points-in-the-first-quarter type off. Also buoyed by the dominant Ravens D, my team overcame slow days by both recently acquired RBs to defeat Foursquare and its combo of Drew Brees, Run DMC, and maybe nobody else. Note to Naveen, Curtis Painter to Reggie Wayne? Not all day.

The Week 3 Standings -

Look for Bougie to make some disappointing moves coming up. She's already 0 and 3 and threatening to bench my boy Ray Rice, who just so happens to take his Sunday morning Sheet in the locker room. And Re Up? No prescription for that ailment.

Finally, week three of Oh Shit, I left him on my Bench?
  1. Fred Jackson (RB, Buffalo) - 23.5 points (Foursquare started Johnathan Stewart, 8.5 pts)
  2. Lance Moore (WR, New Orleans) - 22.5 points (Skillshare started BenJarvus Green-Ellis, 1 pt)
  3. Jay Cutler (QB, Chicago) - 21 points (Re Up Gang started Phil Rivers, 6 pts)
  4. Nate Washington (WR, Tennessee) - 19 points (Bougie Banton started DeSean Jackson, 4 pts)
  5. Brandon Pettigrew (TE, Detroit) - 16.5 points (Bougie Banton started Tony Gonzalez, 8 pts)
  6. Felix Jones (RB, Dallas) - 16.5 points (BMore Careful started Steve Smith, 2pts)
  7. Greg Olsen (TE, Carolina) - 16.5 points (Skillshare started Scott Chandler, 8 pts)
  8. Dwayne Bowe (WR, Kansas City) - 14 points (Cytherea's Ark started A.J. Green, 4 pts)
  9. Julio Jones (WR, Atlanta) - 14 points (Lando started Kenny Britt, 0.5 pts. Makes sense, but now Lando's Britt'less and vulnerable)
  10. Brandon Jacobs (RB, NY Giants) - 14 points (Cats with Gats started Seattle's Mike Williams, goose egg. We doubt the Cats have seen how bad Seattle is)
  11. Plaxico Burress (WR, NY Jets) - 12.5 points (Isenberg started James Starks, -0.5 pts)
  12. Pierre Garcon (WR, Indianapolis) - 11 points (LTD started Hines Ward, 2.5 pts)
  13. Dustin Keller (TE, NY Jets) - 10.5 points (Superiority Complex started Kellen "I'm a SOLDIER!" Winslow, 3 pts)
Congratulations go out to the G Series with no entrants this week. Optimal lineup.

Week 4 approaches and it's not safe even at the top. Look for injuries to Charles and Britt to put serious dents in both teams' chances to continue undefeated.

And can Bougie and Re Up be anything but defeated after Week 4? Full preview coming this Friday.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Week 3 Preview - Separating the Wheat From the Chaff

Through 2 weeks, it pains me to say it, but my Network is killin every body. Team Lando (Food Network) has scored 291 points and the closest to that is Isenberg (No Mas) with 268. But I will say this... No one circles the fire hydrants like Chinamen. Luckily, I’m in the shitty division: Haus. G Series is the leader at 2-0 but he’s only scored 181.5, I mean, Lando might score that alone in week 3. On the other side, the 5th place Wieden squad (Burch) has 233.5 points in the NYC league and would be #1 in Haus.

(Note- all lines on images and next to matchup names are ESPN's projections)

Isenberg (-20) vs. Skillshare - On paper, the week’s best matchup should be No Mas at Skillshare. Both teams have scored a lot of points over two weeks, but Skillshare is missing Steven Jackson and Miles Austin this week. We’ll also want to see what Buffalo’s Ryan Fitzpatrick is made of, I’m guessing celery sticks, but for Skillshare’s sake, they need him to keep it going. Fitzpatrick is a strange proposition. When I watched him over the years, he always seemed to have a middle of the road arm, threw the ball in the flat way too much, and was constantly getting sacked. Last year, he only got 6.8 yards per passing attempt and this year he’s still only getting 6.65/attempt. I think he’s going to come down to earth because historically, he throws way too many interceptions for having such a shitty yards/attempt average. Skillshare’s only hope is if Ryan Matthews goes ape shit in garbage time against a horrible Chiefs team. On the other side, No Mas is starting Brady, Forte, Holmes, and the Eagles D. I say No Mas rolls 118 - 101.

Lando (-34) vs. Bougie Banton - Food Network faces Elena Bergeron and her Yung Bergs this week. Right now, Lando has Romo in his starting lineup, but I’d go with Mr. 400, Cam Newton. I know that the Panthers are likely to run the ball more against the Jags this week, but I think Cam is still a lock for 250 yards, 30 yards on the ground, at least 2 TDs and an interception. Worst case he gets you 22 points, but definitely possibility for upwards of 30. Romo is also going to face a mean pass rush agains the Skins so I would sit him. Lando is also starting Ben Tate which is the smart money, but with Arian Foster back, he should steal a good 10 to 13 touches and make it a one week platoon. I feel Tolbert is going to lose more touches to Matthews this week as well after last week’s fumble and goal line lay down. But... where Lando kills people is at receiver. One of the best picks in the draft has to be my boy, Brandon Marshall. I’m still kicking myself for taking Dwayne Bowe over Marshall, but with no one in KC, Bowe may actually wake up and do something.

Elena took Roethlisberger because she loves his bird game, but he could actually do something for her this week against the Colts. Of course, there should be a lot of Rashard Mendenhall, but I think Big Ben has a good day and puts up some touchdowns. Ray Rice is going to eat Rams for lunch, Deangelo is going to have one of his best days of the year, and Darren Sproles has been a beast. If Elena gets a good day from Nate Washington and Tony Gonzalez, I think she could pull off the upset of the year up till now. I would predict a Bergeron victory, but Lando has 3 good matchups against New Orleans and Tolbert gets KC... Lando wins 135 to 125.

BMore Careful (-10.5) vs. Foursquare - BMore Careful (Burch + Wieden) gets Foursquare this week. It’s going to come down to two things: BMore's newly acquired Chris Johnson and Foursquare’s WR corps. If Chris Johnson wakes up and does the damn thing, BMore should have a chance against Foursquare. What worries me is that BMore’s big advantage lies at WR, but Nicks is drawing the vaunted Eagles secondary. Mike Williams also caught the curse of Michael Clayton and is in the midst of a gross sophomore slump. If Foursquare gets 40 points collectively from their receivers, they win. Foursquare wins 115 to 105

Cytherea's Ark (-18) vs. Cats with Gats - Baohaus plays Into No Reservations this week. I mean, come on, I’m not losing to Cats with Gats aka Wonder Bread. They start more white people than any team in the league so... I must protect this haus lol. The homie Mike Vick is gonna soldier and suit up against the doo-doo Giants defense and I think he gets it done. I have an issue at RB with Beanie Wells injured but I like Daniel Thomas, I got Jahvid Best going to Minnesota, and my wide receivers all have good matchups. On the other side, Aaron Rodgers in Chicago is going to be a shootout so I’m expecting to see 30 from that guy. Hillis exploded against a horrible Indianapolis defense, but I don't think he keeps it up. The guys that worry me are Vincent Jackson at KC and Cedric Benson at SF. Benson blows goat nuts, but this is one of those classic Benson weeks where he gets a shitty matchup and does his best Shaun Alexander impersonation subjecting America to a horrible afternoon of watching this slow fat fuck walk through giant holes in the defense. Uh, yeah, I win 120 - 123, it’s gonna be close.

Re-Up Gang (-25.5) vs. LTD - Re-Up Gang is at LTD this week and it’s the one legged man kicking contest. If I had tickets to this game, I would not go LOL. Both teams are winless so someone has to win this week. I actually like what Re-Up Gang has going this week. They REALLY need to drop Nate Kaeding and Randy Moss, but the starting lineup looks good. I mean, come on quizno’s, is it that hard to pick up some combination of Jerome Simpson or Le'ron McClain? Anyway, Rivers at KC, Turner at TB, and Fitzgerald at Seattle are all great matchups. I like Nate Burleson and Boldin should have a good day against the Rams. LTD has some ugly things going on. We love Adrian Peterson, but not against that Lions defensive line. No one likes Mark Sanchez, not even Mark Sanchez’s Mom (well... maybe someone does), and CJ Spiller somehow hasn’t even been able to put up good numbers while the rest of the Bills have been going gorilla. Re-Up Gang wins 95 to 80.

G Series vs. Superiority Complex (-12.5) - Our final matchup of the week, and one of our strongest, is G Series at Complex. That is as long as G Series changes their goddamn lineup to get Jamaal Charles and Aaron Hernandez out. With Stafford, Bradshaw, Steve Johnson, and Roddy White, G series has a good squad. On the other side, LeSean McCoy is my favorite running back in fantasy right now besides Ray Rice and Schaub will be in a shootout with New Orleans. Rashard Mendenhall may have the best week of the year against the gimpy Colts and my boy Tim Hightower should hold off the Roy Helu show for another week and get 10+ points. Complex wins 105 to 90.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Blockbuster Trade Shakes Up The Haus League

I'm scared of having Mike Vick on the squad. So much so that he's gone.

BMore Careful trades
- Michael Vick, QB, Eagles
- Jahvid Best, RB, Lions
- Lee Evans, WR, Ravens

to Cytherea's Ark for
- Chris Johnson, RB, Titans
- LeGarrette Blount, RB, Bucs

Coaches Burch and Huang both feel confident with each's new look team heading into Week 3

The Week Two That Was

Michael Vick suffered the inevitable 2011 injury Sunday night. I wasn't shocked, but yeah, it hurt. So I had to count on Hakeem Nicks to lift the squad. And I heard Hakeem Nicks is good. Really, really good. And I needed him to be last night. To come back and get a W against Skillshare, I needed an unprecedented game from Mr. Nicks. We're talking somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 yards receiving, 10 catches, and 4+ TDs.

Shockingly, it didn't happen. And, by the narrowest of margins (57.5 points), my squad, BMore Careful, got knocked from the ranks of the undefeated.

Thankfully, there were more entertaining matchups in The Haus League this week than my pedestrian showing.

We had a Monday Night Football led comeback by The G Series, who rode (pause) Ahmad Bradshaw and the Rams D to the W over the Re Up Gang, 130.5 - 120. Both Pusha T and LaDainian were unhappy with the loss, especially after LT added little in his team's blowout win over the Jaguars.

Despite the win, and the 2-0 start, things aren't much better for Coach Smith and his G Series team. Football + golf carts = disappointment. Every time. Luckily, they still have Tiki on the bench.

Now to go around the league -

Cytherea's Ark over Team LTD (124.5 - 99.5): Eddie started Sexy Rexy. Yes, 2-0 Rex Grossman. And he got the W. Maybe due to his points (19 in a Skins win), or maybe due to the fact that Hawaii and Marcus started Devin Hester, CJ Spiller, and Hines Ward. Never a recipe for victory. LTD looks to rebound in Week 3 with a matchup against Re Up in a game we'll call "I don't think both teams can start 0-3."

Foursquare over Bougie Banton (124 - 91): Good for Bougie - Big Ben showed up. The bad: DeSean didn't. And neither did Brandon Pettigrew, who racked up half a point despite his Lions mauling the Chiefs, 48-3. Tony Gonzalez put together a banner day for the Bantons, though, compiling a solid 23+. On the bench. But that can't bring Tony G down. Not when his wife is anti-fur. And his wife is his wife. Meanwhile, Foursquare did its thing. And by Foursquare, I mean three gentleman (Brees, McFadden, and Maclin) accounting for 88.5, nearly besting Bougie on their own.

Lando over Isenberg (124 - 109): After a ridiculous week one for Isenberg (Brady-Welker in 2011), CI and the boys came back down to earth. If earth is 30+ from Tom Brady again. With little other help, though, Isenberg's team was handled by Lando, who continues to back up his draft boasting. His Kenny Britt carved up my own Baltimore Ravens, and he would have been fine with either Tony Romo's 25 points or Cam Newton's 28. Lando looms large as we continue the season.

Cats with Gats over Complex (117.5 - 100): In predictable fashion, Cats with Gats counted on their white triumvirate to improve to 2-0. Rodgers, Hillis, and Clark? Best NFL law firm since the Law Firm. It was a strong start for Complex with decent outings from Schaub, McCoy, and Mendenhall, but they couldn't overcome no-shows by the 49ers D (who can't face the Seahawks every week) and Kellen Winslow.

Three undefeated teams remain - Lando, G Series, and Cats with Gats. None of these teams faces one another next week, but it's looking like Cats with Gats faces the toughest road, Eddie's Cytherea's Ark while the G Series became decidedly less G when Jamaal Charles got an extra 15 weeks of vacation.

Week two of Oh Shit, I left him on my Bench?
  1. Matt Ryan (QB, Atlanta) - 27 points (LTD started Mark Sanchez, 17 pts)
  2. Fred Jackson (RB, Buffalo) - 26 points (Foursquare started Jonathan Stewart, 14 pts)
  3. Tony Gonzalez (TE, Atlanta) - 23.5 points (Bougie Banton started Brandon Pettigrew, 0.5 pts)
  4. AJ Green (WR, Cincinnati) - 23 points (Cytherea's Ark started Santana Moss, 14.5 pts)
  5. Rob Gronkowski (TE, New England) - 22 points (G Series started Aaron Hernandez, 15.5 pts, lost handcuff roulette)
  6. Dustin Keller (TE, NYJ) - 19 points (Complex started Kellen Winslow, 6 pts)
  7. Devery Henderson (WR, New Orleans) - 17.5 points (Cats with Gats started Mike Thomas, 3.5 pts)
  8. Willis McGahee (RB, Denver) - 16.5 points (BMore Careful started Felix Jones, 2.5 pts)
  9. Deion Branch (WR, New England) - 16 points (Foursquare started Brandon Lloyd, 0 points)
  10. Ben Tate (RB, Houston) - 15 points (Lando started Arian Foster, 4 pts. Pretty logical)
  11. James Starks (RB, Green Bay) - 12.5 points (Isenberg started Plaxico Burress, 0 pts)
Shockingly, Re Up Gang picked the optimal lineup this week. And still lost. The only other entrant who missed out on the above list is Skillshare. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it.

Two weeks in and the league is a mess. Re Up still needs RBs. LTD still needs players. And G Series and I may need new first round picks (Sorry Vick and Charles).

Big matchups this weekend, including either Re Up Gang or LTD notching their first W.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Week One Postmortem

A week of action is in the books. After a rousing draft last Tuesday night, the league was ready to start scrapping.

Some big matchups this week, but not before Pusha publicly distanced himself from Quizno's draft strategy. It went something like this -

Which to all affiliated with the group, kind of sounded like -

With no help on the RB front, Pusha T and Quizno's were left to square off against Cats with Gats. And the Re Up Gang wasn't kidding. They need running backs. Starting LaDainian Tomlinson with a straight face is not the move, especially when it means that your flex is Chad "I caught one pass all day even though my QB threw for the most yards EVER on MNF" Ochocinco.

Even with a dominating performance for the Cats by Aaron Rogers, the matchup was close, coming down to Ocho vs. Janikowski. Because we needed a reason to watch both of the MNF games. Ocho was nowhere to be seen while Sebastian lit it up, locking up the Cats' week one win, 97.5 - 91.5.

In typical week one fashion, only one other matchup was close approaching Monday night's games. Isenberg, he of NFL (Not Fantasy) Draft Guide fame, was neck and neck with Naveen's Foursquare squad. And then Tom Brady to Wes Welker happened. And while the nearly 26 points from one play wasn't the entire difference, it effectively ended Foursquare's day. Behind Tom Brady, CI triumphed, 159 - 123.5.

Quick thoughts on the other four games -
  • BMore Careful over Bougie Banton (115.5 - 89) - Yung Berg misses philandering Big Ben. Married Ben stinks.
Word on the street is Berg is hitting up ZipCar and driving Ben straight to Georgia. The combo of Ravens D for BMore and Ben for Bougie proved to be the difference. That and Berg counting on DeAngelo Williams and Ryan Grant to produce in 2011.
  • Lando over Skillshare (167 - 91) - After mocking the league and who everyone was drafting via a live Google Docs spreadsheet throughout the entire draft, Lando backed it up, stacking up the week-high point total. Part of it was good luck (Mike Tolbert?!?) while other parts were solid players producing like they should (we see you, Andre Johnson). On Skillshare's end, we must repeat something. You can't trust Donovan McNabb.
  • Complex over Cytherea's Ark (127 - 83.5) - Complex said it best. Eddie's reach for Megatron worked out to the tune of 23 points. His reach for LeGarrette Blount didn't. Drafted as the hardest dude in the league (so said Mr. Huang), Mr. Blount may need some motivational music this week. Complex, on the other hand, saw an underperforming Matt Schaub get bailed out by LeSean McCoy and a never-to-be-seen-again showing by the 49ers D. Don't count on them playing Tarvaris and the Seahawks every week.
  • G Series over Team LTD (100.5 - 61.5) - The G Series' Smith may not want to rely on just over 100 winning the matchup ever again. But up against the already splintering Team LTD, Matthew Stafford and Aaron Hernandez's showings were enough. LTD has a hard road ahead of it, though, as nobody on the bench showed up, either. That may be why they're already +31 underdogs heading into a week 2 matchup with Cytherea's Ark.

Finally, the first of what will be a season-long series - Oh shit, I left him on my bench?
  1. Chad Henne (QB, Miami) - 37 points (Bougie Banton started Big Ben, 7 pts)
  2. Steve Smith (WR, Carolina) - 33 points (BMore Careful started Joe Addai, 5 pts)
  3. Reggie Bush (RB, Miami) - 18.5 points (Cats started Brandon Jacobs, 2 pts)
  4. Jets D / ST - 21 points (Re Up Gang started the Chargers, 8 pts)
  5. Jordy Nelson (WR, Green Bay) - 16 points (Skillshare started Sid Rice, goose egg)
  6. Cadillac Williams (RB, St. Louis) - 15.5 points (Complex started Rashard Mendenhall, 2 pts)
  7. Stevie Johnson (WR, Buffalo) - 14 points (G Series started Roddie White, 10 pts. Totally defensible)
  8. Deion Branch (WR, New England) - 12.5 points (Foursquare started Jeremy Maclin, 2.5 pts)
  9. AJ Green (WR Cincinnati) - 10.5 pts (Cytherea's Ark started Dwayne Bowe, 2 pts. Again, pretty defensible)
Note: That's right, Isenberg and Lando started the ideal lineups. No entries on this week's list. Also no entry for LTD, but their squad may just stink.

One week down. 12 more weeks to turn your squad around.

We'll be back Friday with this weekend's preview.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Haus League Draft Recap

What up!

So, this is the Haus League. A NYC Fantasy Football League featuring the below:

The Teams

1) LTD - Hawaii Mike and Friends
2) Gatorade - Michael Smith
3) Food Network - Brian Lando
4) Sports Writer - Elena Bergeron
5) Re-Up Gang - Pusha-T, Doug Dozier, Ferris aka @fluxuryb
6) Wieden and Kennedy - Michael Burch
7) Complex - Noah and Jack Erwin
8) Baohaus - Eddie Huang
9) Four Square - Naveen
10) Skillshare - Malcolm Ong
11) No Reservations - Helen Cho, Jennifer Williams, Nicola Linge, Kate Guhl
12) No Mas - Chris Isenberg

Winner gets 3 seats from The Sporting News to any NY Yankees game in 2012. 4 rows back from home plate naw mean? Settings for the league: QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 Flex, TE, K, DEF all hosted on ESPN.


The Draft was hilarious from jump. The Re-Up Gang representative called in from V.A. saying "Yo, I'ma be a few minutes late cause I'm at Quizno's." No doubt son, I like my shit toasted too. The No Reservations crew rolled mad deep with 4 people and then proceeded to take every white person available. For real, their team name was supposed to be Cats with Gats, but we vetoed that choice, henceforth, they are Wonder Bread.

Quote of the night belongs to Elena Bergeron aka Yung Berg because she always be gettin her chain snatched: After telling her that "the bottom of your draft is dope." Berg says to me, "My bottom is good, my top is good, so don't worry about the middle." Apparently she named her trap "Neil Rackers" cause that's what got taken in the middle...

Somewhere around the 10th Round, Isenberg exclaims, "Shit, this is a NFL Draft preview guide!" Yes, he bought a 5 month old magazine that would have prepared him for the draft in April, good shit dun. haha.

But some of the best comedy came with the picks... We'll go round by round for the sports fans

Round 1

The first reach was Re-Up Gang picking Michael Turner, but I liked the pick. There aren't that many sure bet running backs this year and Michael Turner is a sure thing when healthy. Yes, he usually limps through the last 1/3 of the season but Arian Foster already has a gimpy hamstring, Chris Johnson just signed, and Michael Vick has small children playing center and guard.

Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady went ahead of Drew Brees. Every magazine is ranking Rodgers #1 at QB, but I disagree. Last year he outscored Brees by a tiny margin largely cause of Brees' INT's, but I don't see that happening again. Brees throws for more yards/TDs and with Ingram has an even better running back committee.

Round 2

Isenberg set off Round 2 by asking, "Is Frank Gore injured?" When is Frank Gore not injured? He is like Jenna Jameson. He always tears his vagina but not before he gets you 1500 total yards from scrimmage. Cho then of course took the best available white running back: Peyton Hillis. Great choice!

I reached and went for Megatron aka Calvin Johnson. Clearly, Andre Johnson and Roddy White should come off the board first, but I wanted to roll the dice. I think Stafford/Johnson are going to have break out years and Megatron wasn't going to make it back around so I took him.

Burch then REALLY reached and went for Felix Jones... I like him, but usually in the 5th Round. This was also the round that Lando and Gatorade really made their moves. Other people fucked up not taking Andre Johnson and Roddy White so they benefitted. Reminds of the years when Deuce McAlister or Jamal Lewis would fall to the 12th pick and pretty much whoever had him had a leg up.

This round also really changed the draft because people made a run on quarterbacks: Brees, Rivers, Rothelisberger, and Ryan all went.

Round 3

With 7 quarterbacks off the board, Lando/Complex/and Skillshare all went QB. While I really like Romo this year, I felt if Lando stuck to his script and grabbed Matt Forte or Larry Fitzgerald, he could have won the league right there. But, then again, if Romo outscores Brees or Brady, well, that's a steal.

That left only Gatorade and I without quarterbacks so I figured I'd sit out the quarterback run and grab either Josh Freeman, Eli Manning, or Matthew Stafford late since most people wouldn't go 2 QBs before rounding out the roster. So, I took the hardest mother fucker in football: LeGarette Blount. POW.

I really liked Re-Up Gang's pick of Larry Fitzgerald and Burch's Hakeem Nicks pick.

Round 4

Isenberg closed and opened round 4 really well with Santonio Holmes and then Matt Forte. In my opinion, they are both low-end #1 or high-end #2 guys at their position. Very solid 3rd and 4th round picks.

Then there was a run on people who have slept with Kim Kardashian as Miles Austin and Reggie Bush came off the board back-to-back. We tried to get Naveen from Four Square to draft Ray-J but he took Reggie Wayne instead.

Burch also made an interesting pick this round. If Jahvid Best and Mike Vick are both healthy, he probably wins the league this year even though he's a little weak at WR depth.

Round 5

I feel the talent at RB drops off significantly after Ahmad Bradshaw and Gatorade made a great pick in the beginning of the 5th taking him. I had Tim Hightower all ready to go in my queue when BAM, Complex takes him right before me. Heartbreak... then what usually comes after heart break, good sex and V.D. = Vernon Davis.

Skillshare had a nice pick towards the end of the round taking The Law Firm: Benjarvus Green-Ellis.

Round 6

Isenberg again rocked the boat and took Josh Freeman... Really? He already took Tom Brady in the 1st and he takes Freeman in the 6th. I have to admit, I had my eye on Freeman and Isenberg knew so he's dangling the man as trade bait... we'll see.

Cho and Friends then went back to the well and took best available white person at WR, Austin Collie. Re-Up Gang then pulled an Isenberg and also doubled up on QBs taking Jay Cutler.

Lando grabbed Jimmy Graham and made a lot of people sad. Seems like Graham is the guy most people are stashing as their sleeper TE.

Round 7

This is where it starts to get tough. Starters are few and far between, but Complex made a great pick in Kellen Winslow. Lando took Kenny Britt, Four Square took Maclin, Skillshare took Sidney Rice, Isenberg took Plaxico and I took Santana Moss. After that round, the only leget starting WR left was Malcolm Floyd.

Oh yea, the No Rez homies took Cedric Benson this round. AWESOME.

Round 8

Finally, the staring contest for QBs between Gatorade and I ended. I broke the seal taking Eli Manning and Gatorade then took Matthew Stafford. Well played homie. Both of us were waiting for either Eli or Stafford to come off the board and if one of them did, we'd jump on it. I really like Stafford but since I already had Megatron, I figured I'd hedge my bets and take Eli.

Isenberg again had a nice pick with James Starks and Hawaii Mike snagged CJ Spiller to close out the round. If Buffalo ever figures out how to use the kid, he will be nasty.

Round 9

This is where shit got real stupid. Elena Bergeron took her MANS Neil Rackers aka "the middle" and Burch made the only good pick of the round: Lee Evans. I had him stashed and think that across Anquan Boldin with Joe Flacco throwing him the ball, Lee Evans is finally going to go ape shit. In a strange way, Lee Evans' career is mirroring Chris Chambers. Fast, acrobatic, WR who never got in a good place till late.

I would continue recapping but for real, no one wants to hear about people drafint Larod Stephens Howling or "The Jaccuzzi" Jacquez Rodgers.

FYI, Elena tells us Marques Colston is pronounced "Marcus" henceforth, I will spell my name Eqqie but you can call me Eddie.