Friday, September 23, 2011

Week 3 Preview - Separating the Wheat From the Chaff

Through 2 weeks, it pains me to say it, but my Network is killin every body. Team Lando (Food Network) has scored 291 points and the closest to that is Isenberg (No Mas) with 268. But I will say this... No one circles the fire hydrants like Chinamen. Luckily, I’m in the shitty division: Haus. G Series is the leader at 2-0 but he’s only scored 181.5, I mean, Lando might score that alone in week 3. On the other side, the 5th place Wieden squad (Burch) has 233.5 points in the NYC league and would be #1 in Haus.

(Note- all lines on images and next to matchup names are ESPN's projections)

Isenberg (-20) vs. Skillshare - On paper, the week’s best matchup should be No Mas at Skillshare. Both teams have scored a lot of points over two weeks, but Skillshare is missing Steven Jackson and Miles Austin this week. We’ll also want to see what Buffalo’s Ryan Fitzpatrick is made of, I’m guessing celery sticks, but for Skillshare’s sake, they need him to keep it going. Fitzpatrick is a strange proposition. When I watched him over the years, he always seemed to have a middle of the road arm, threw the ball in the flat way too much, and was constantly getting sacked. Last year, he only got 6.8 yards per passing attempt and this year he’s still only getting 6.65/attempt. I think he’s going to come down to earth because historically, he throws way too many interceptions for having such a shitty yards/attempt average. Skillshare’s only hope is if Ryan Matthews goes ape shit in garbage time against a horrible Chiefs team. On the other side, No Mas is starting Brady, Forte, Holmes, and the Eagles D. I say No Mas rolls 118 - 101.

Lando (-34) vs. Bougie Banton - Food Network faces Elena Bergeron and her Yung Bergs this week. Right now, Lando has Romo in his starting lineup, but I’d go with Mr. 400, Cam Newton. I know that the Panthers are likely to run the ball more against the Jags this week, but I think Cam is still a lock for 250 yards, 30 yards on the ground, at least 2 TDs and an interception. Worst case he gets you 22 points, but definitely possibility for upwards of 30. Romo is also going to face a mean pass rush agains the Skins so I would sit him. Lando is also starting Ben Tate which is the smart money, but with Arian Foster back, he should steal a good 10 to 13 touches and make it a one week platoon. I feel Tolbert is going to lose more touches to Matthews this week as well after last week’s fumble and goal line lay down. But... where Lando kills people is at receiver. One of the best picks in the draft has to be my boy, Brandon Marshall. I’m still kicking myself for taking Dwayne Bowe over Marshall, but with no one in KC, Bowe may actually wake up and do something.

Elena took Roethlisberger because she loves his bird game, but he could actually do something for her this week against the Colts. Of course, there should be a lot of Rashard Mendenhall, but I think Big Ben has a good day and puts up some touchdowns. Ray Rice is going to eat Rams for lunch, Deangelo is going to have one of his best days of the year, and Darren Sproles has been a beast. If Elena gets a good day from Nate Washington and Tony Gonzalez, I think she could pull off the upset of the year up till now. I would predict a Bergeron victory, but Lando has 3 good matchups against New Orleans and Tolbert gets KC... Lando wins 135 to 125.

BMore Careful (-10.5) vs. Foursquare - BMore Careful (Burch + Wieden) gets Foursquare this week. It’s going to come down to two things: BMore's newly acquired Chris Johnson and Foursquare’s WR corps. If Chris Johnson wakes up and does the damn thing, BMore should have a chance against Foursquare. What worries me is that BMore’s big advantage lies at WR, but Nicks is drawing the vaunted Eagles secondary. Mike Williams also caught the curse of Michael Clayton and is in the midst of a gross sophomore slump. If Foursquare gets 40 points collectively from their receivers, they win. Foursquare wins 115 to 105

Cytherea's Ark (-18) vs. Cats with Gats - Baohaus plays Into No Reservations this week. I mean, come on, I’m not losing to Cats with Gats aka Wonder Bread. They start more white people than any team in the league so... I must protect this haus lol. The homie Mike Vick is gonna soldier and suit up against the doo-doo Giants defense and I think he gets it done. I have an issue at RB with Beanie Wells injured but I like Daniel Thomas, I got Jahvid Best going to Minnesota, and my wide receivers all have good matchups. On the other side, Aaron Rodgers in Chicago is going to be a shootout so I’m expecting to see 30 from that guy. Hillis exploded against a horrible Indianapolis defense, but I don't think he keeps it up. The guys that worry me are Vincent Jackson at KC and Cedric Benson at SF. Benson blows goat nuts, but this is one of those classic Benson weeks where he gets a shitty matchup and does his best Shaun Alexander impersonation subjecting America to a horrible afternoon of watching this slow fat fuck walk through giant holes in the defense. Uh, yeah, I win 120 - 123, it’s gonna be close.

Re-Up Gang (-25.5) vs. LTD - Re-Up Gang is at LTD this week and it’s the one legged man kicking contest. If I had tickets to this game, I would not go LOL. Both teams are winless so someone has to win this week. I actually like what Re-Up Gang has going this week. They REALLY need to drop Nate Kaeding and Randy Moss, but the starting lineup looks good. I mean, come on quizno’s, is it that hard to pick up some combination of Jerome Simpson or Le'ron McClain? Anyway, Rivers at KC, Turner at TB, and Fitzgerald at Seattle are all great matchups. I like Nate Burleson and Boldin should have a good day against the Rams. LTD has some ugly things going on. We love Adrian Peterson, but not against that Lions defensive line. No one likes Mark Sanchez, not even Mark Sanchez’s Mom (well... maybe someone does), and CJ Spiller somehow hasn’t even been able to put up good numbers while the rest of the Bills have been going gorilla. Re-Up Gang wins 95 to 80.

G Series vs. Superiority Complex (-12.5) - Our final matchup of the week, and one of our strongest, is G Series at Complex. That is as long as G Series changes their goddamn lineup to get Jamaal Charles and Aaron Hernandez out. With Stafford, Bradshaw, Steve Johnson, and Roddy White, G series has a good squad. On the other side, LeSean McCoy is my favorite running back in fantasy right now besides Ray Rice and Schaub will be in a shootout with New Orleans. Rashard Mendenhall may have the best week of the year against the gimpy Colts and my boy Tim Hightower should hold off the Roy Helu show for another week and get 10+ points. Complex wins 105 to 90.


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